Momma Red

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This year has been the worst of my life. If there ever was a time for a do over, I'd go back to January, if I could. So many things would be different right now - SO many. I lost my Dad and have so many feelings about that and questions surrounding his death. Then add in my 29 yr old daughter taking her life, leaving behind 2 little girls, siblings, parents and a lot of heartbreak. She made me a girl mom and her death has forever changed me. No one understands fully unless you're a parent that had an adult child take their life. We live in the house we raised our adult children in. I'm constantly hearing her voice, laugh and have fond memories of her in each room of every floor. It's comforting at times, but others it completely crushes me. Danielle was an amazing decorator and when putting it the seasonal decorations, I can hear her telling me, "no mom... don't put that there, put it over there" as she's done year after year. I can smell her body spray, hear her laugh, see her smirk..... it crushes me she's not here with us today. There has been loss this year within my extended family, with my cousins husband dying weeks after a cancer diagnosis, parents losing those children to accidental overdoses, and so much heartache happening all over the world. We all know that life is unfair, we don't always get answers and we're just supposed to roll with the punches, but after awhile it gets exhausting. I'm not a hateful person. In fact, I think of others so much more than I think of myself and get walked all over, bullied and taken advantage of. I need to stop not caring what others think, be not only strong again for myself but for my daughter as well as her girls. BUT I hate this year, I hate the 21st of every month and hate this pain and heartache I feel on a daily basis. This year has simply.... sucked. #momsoftiktok #momsover50 #fyp #grieftiktok #griefjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawareness #family #adultchildloss #grandma #granddaughtersarethebest #griefandloss #suicide #suicideprevention #familyfirst #CapCut #awareness #grief #loss #death

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Firsts..... they are the hardest. Your 30th birthday was in December. Christmas and New Year's came and went. I miss you so much it hurts. What I wouldn't give to have you back. So much I want to say, but for now..... Happy 30th Birthday in heaven, Merry Christmas & Happy Near Year in heaven. I love you so much and this Momma Bears heart breaks over and over everyday. 💔 #momtok #momsoftiktok #foryoupage #grieftok #mentalhealthawareness #heavenlybirthday #suicideprevention #30thbirthday #struggleisreal #sadstory #sadness #momlife #momsover50 #grandmasoftiktok #fyp #griefandloss #griefjourney #suicide #adultchildloss #christmas #newyears ##CapCut

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Mother's Day, 2024. Another first, another holiday without you. This one really hurt, a lot. You should be here with me, celebrating the day with us and your girls. You made me a girl mom. They say time flies - well time is a thief. It seems like just a few short years ago I was pregnant with you. So many nights you are kicking, wiggling and I just soaked it all in knowing that one day soon I'll miss just our time together. You made me crave butterfingers and turkey sandwiches - I didn't even like them at the time! You shocked us all with jet black, poker straight hair, precious dimples and stunning blue eyes. All 7.11lbs, 19" of you was nothing short of adorable! Eventually, your hair lightened up, got super curly and your eye color stayed as stunning blue as they were from day one. I see so much of you and your girls, but in different ways. Neither can escape the curls though. Maybe they'll embrace their curls and not straighten them! I carried you under my heart for 9 months, now I carry you in my heart until the day I die and we are reunited. 'A mother's love is something that noone can explain, it is made of deep devotion of sacrifice and pain, it is endless and unselfish and enduring somewhat may, for nothing can destroy it or take that love away, it is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, and it never feels or falters.' - Helen Steiner Rice I miss you so much and at times the pain is so unbearable. I can't even explain it. I miss you needing me - more than I ever thought I would. I miss our chats. I miss your laugh. I miss your grin. I miss being a constant in your girls lives. I miss our old life. I miss you horribly. I am not enjoying this "new normal". I'm trying to navigate this new life but nothing is comfortable anymore. Nothing is easy. I can't believe this is my life. PARENTS.... My older kids grew up in a time when we took pictures and the film to be developed. Nowadays, you have the convenience of cellphones, selfies, etc. From the Mom that loves to take pictures and not be in them, get out from behind the camera!!! Don't just take the pictures ... GET IN THEM!! #Mother'sDay #2024 #momsoftiktok #momsover50 #mentalhealthawareness #griefandloss #grandmasoftiktok #loss #grief #adultchildloss #unaliveawareness #mentalhealthmatters #griefjourney #FYP #foryoupage #momlife #childloss #healingjourney #grieftok #death #loss #lossandgrief #love #forever29