Tassia

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Forgot to mention I am hoping for my MRI and CT results at clinic tomorrow... been a bit distracted. Good day but depleted again. Heard some cut backs theu are making in Wales and have unofficially heard the MBC pathway and red flags wont be implemented any time soon as there are suddenly other cancers to consider (they said they wouldnt allow our MBC pathway originally because it would be unfair... so where did all these come from?) So no dates for implementation.... NOBODY mentioned this was an issue... Especially given they delued the sign off 3 times and there were over 13+ drafts. I am not dying quietly. The board of done us all real dirty. How can they sleep at night while we die brutally. The absolute fuckers. #vlog #videodiary #eribulin #tnbc #mbc #sbc #Metastaticbreastcancer #secondarybreastcancer #stage4breastcancer #breastcancer #fatigue #chemotherapy #stage4cancer #terminalcancer #cba #howamistillalive #leptomeningealdisease #lymphangitis

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is ok. I am ok. Just gutted. #vlog #videodiary #eribulin #tnbc #mbc #sbc #Metastaticbreastcancer #secondarybreastcancer #stage4breastcancer #breastcancer #fatigue #chemotherapy #stage4cancer #terminalcancer #cba #howamistillalive #leptomeningealdisease #lymphangitis

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Thank you for the lovely messages. I have been in inundated! What a lovely 'issue' to have huh? So much love I can't process it. I am here until I physically cannot lift my phone anymore. I hope I have a bit of time. We know its everywhere. I have a wheelchair now and walkers for the house. I am falling all the time now my legs are offically gone I think. But hey ho, I got a chair to go out and begin terrorising society again. Nicks taking me for a spin tomorrow with it.... cant wait to zoom around again walking slow is boring. Im waiting for the anvil to drop. I dont feel completely sad. I don't want to die but I also dont seem to have an issue with dying. I am a bit relieved turns out I wasnt lying to myself about being ok with death. Dying is way harder mainly because our NHS has been struggling. When im allowed to have autonomy over my body it goes better - im a lucky one that my oncology meetings are just that and I get to ask all the questions and make the descions. You cant control it. So just do what feels good. Control is an illusion- you are just a few seconds away from loosing it at anytime. Tomorrow is never a given to us and as sure as the sun will rise, we wont. So please live now. Its free, find your joy in the every day and give it your full attention before you go. You dont need to fly abroad or have an elaborate bucket list. Just enjoy the imperfect perfectness of the life you have built for yourself. You built your life this way for a reason. If something isn't working, switch it up. Even I still do and I will be dead very soon, not one regret, and im having a better death for it. Death is JUST a part of life and something we all will go through, dont fear it, just embrace it. Ill share a secret with you - on a few occasions when I have nearly slipped away - In Bath i felt my body shutting down. No memories, no speech, no mobility I was just 'gone' part of me wanted to stay there, it was peaceful. Its the people I love which makes me hang on. Im sharing this because its true and it is not frightening when you arrive there. Love you guys. #pallativecare